How is it that we can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone? Feeling as if we are the only one with a secret, a love we’ve lost, a deep emotional wound. Walking down a hallway with people passing, briefly making eye contact and feeling completely isolated.
Growing up as an only child I always felt alone. I would beg my mother to adopt a sister, just so I had someone to talk to. My parents divorced at a young age and I idolized my father. While my mother worked, I was left with babysitters until I could stay at home alone. The truth is; I raised myself. My father would visit on Sundays and as months and years would pass, there was one very specific lesson he taught me, (whether a blessing or a curse)….I was taught to never depend on anyone other than myself. He taught me this by not being available for me or standing for me in times of crisis with my mother. Although this was a very painful process, I taught myself to look inward. To trust myself and my instincts. The knowledge and information that came to me was so clear because I could only hear my own voice. It came easily and quickly as if the words were flowing through me without thought. Until…..I allowed the voice of negativity and judgement into my life. I became stifled and no longer trusted myself. This happened when I would seek the approval of others to validate my existence. Initially, it was in elementary school and I was striving for the attention of a group of popular girls that passively bullied me. I remember it like it was yesterday. By the age of 10 and in the 5th grade, I finally shifted back into myself, and lived in a space completely within me. It was like magic…when I stopped caring and worrying, everyone else became aware and wanted my attention. When I turned 16 and fell for a boy, the approval shifted back to an outside source and no longer within myself. He was strong, handsome, intelligent, a football player, and made me feel like I was the only girl in his life….and then, became abusive.
The interesting dynamic is from a very young age, there was a part of me I kept separate and quiet. I had vivid dreams. These dreams would somehow give me information or knowledge that I wasn’t aware I needed, however, I needed! I began trusting this part of me again and realized these dreams were giving me clarity into situations. When I would expose a situation in my life I would have no reason of knowing; I was portrayed as crazy. At the time, “Time” was my enemy. I desired 6 months to fast forward so the pain would pass and the truth be revealed. Ultimately, this has served me in my life. Within the last decade, I learned to be nicer to myself and learn my lessons quicker.
So what’s my point? You are not alone. You are one of millions, billions and trillions of us with stories. Close out the noise, listen to yourself and trust. Your voice is the only one the matters. It’s the inner you and the higher self of you that is all knowing. Ask for the insight and guidance; it will not fail you.